Internet Doesn't Work With Feelings (Letter #10)

Shalom Josh,

OK. I will admit it. I have had problems starting relationships online. I know it is a not a regular thing for me to admit my dating woes. But I come to you. My friend. My confidant. My married man who has no outlet for the frustration he feels. 

The internet goes nowhere for me. A lot of pictures of women. A lot of stuff that looks good, if I ever met them. A lot of stuff that looks perfect. A lot of lying that I am willing to forego if I had a date with a real person. Be it age, weight, a picture of somebody else on their profile, it is all good.

It looks good. Most of the time, I don't even know their religious background or their hobbies. I don't read that much of the profile. I have learned to not be the shallow type to judge a potential match based on their degrees, family background, religious status. I see the pictures and that is enough for me. The pictures say everything.

I am also religiously forgiving on the internet. These women are wearing tight clothes, flaunting it. On the internet, it is fine. I am not fine with it in a relationship, but it works on the internet. There is a lot of forgiveness for sexiness on the internet, even if they are ultra-orthodox. It is a different dress code. 

Why am I not fine with the type and revealing clothes in a relationship? Because people will think I am with an attractive woman, and that would kill my reputation.

The start of the interest is there. She has a picture with a revealing outfit. But it doesn't go further than that. I give it a chance. The women never respond when I ask for more than the profile information. It is like sending a script out to a Hollywood producer. I see it on TV before they respond to the mail. 'Just reported. A loser 38 year old is still trying to pick up women on the internet. Another man who does not have the ability to hit on a women in person...sitting in his boxers on the dating sites.'

I ask for more information and the stalker antennas go up. I am not asking address. I am not on Tinder. On Tinder, they are willing to meet a total stranger, as long as they know nothing about him. 

They are afraid to share more information than their height and body-type. Those are crazy person questions. And normal guys don't ask those. What normal guy needs more information than that? Normal guys might want to also know skin complexion. But that is it. What an idiot I used to be. I am writing her about religious beliefs. I learned my lesson. Do not waste time with information. Any man that needs more information must be suspect.

I could write, 'When you coming over?' I can write, 'You are hot,' if that is not proper language in synagogue. I usually write, 'How was your day?' That is too personal. That scares them. I am an idiot man. Women only like that question when they are married to you. Otherwise, it is an extreme turn off. They are scared about this whole meeting thing. The meeting thing can potentially turn into a relationship. And unless we get married, there is not enough time for her to tell me how her day went. 

You are right now hearing about 'her day.' I know. You complain about it all the time.

If I am going to develop a relationship from a dating site, I have to stick to my commitment to not know about the woman.

Erev Tov

Took it Offline (Letter #9)

Shalom Josh,

There is an internet prospective woman now, who I am talking with. Catch this- by phone. We have moved beyond the computer. A big step in the relationship, if I may say so myself. I have heard her voice. Look at the profile and listen to her voice and it feels like I am in a relationship with a one-dimensional figure. Does that sound scary? To me, it is the beginning phases of modern day courtship. 

I am not that privy to proper courting, but you would be proud of me. I have even played hard to get. I let my phone ring, and I didn't answer it.

Big plus- She has tried comedy & she might be able to be a character in a show I am producing. That means that there is a point to the date. I do not meet up with women anymore, with the goal of a relationship. A job opportunity is more likely to happen. I like to know that something positive might transpire. 

This is all if the date happens. She blew off the date for this week. I don't think she likes how my voice sounds with my profile. Maybe I need a deeper phone voice. Most women have not been a fan of my third grade sounding American male voice.

She did say she can't go out this week, which makes me feel free & lonely at the same time. If you can't go out, why are we talking? That is like ordering a falafel and not being hungry. Then asking the guy to hold the falafel for a week. I am never not hungry. Talking on the phone won't lead to a fun night. 

Is that a wrong outlook, that I am expressing? Should I just be satisfied with the phone call and play it smooth? Take it slow? Wait till she can pencil me in, in October? Wait till she breaks up with the other guys she is talking with on the phone? Get used to not answering my phone until she calls the third time, to keep the relationship fresh for the first time we meet?

I know she is cheating on me. I am sure she has phone conversations with other people.

Now that I think about it, this phone talking thing does not get me all happy. 'Ahhhh, how nice? She is thinking about me while she is out with her better plans.' That doesn't make me feel good. Even so, I am very excited about taking our relationship to the next level. At least it is off the internet. Who knows? We might even be texting soon.

What is the next step in this courtship? Is it leaving messages? I don't know if I am ready for that. I am very confused. And I am very scared of pushing her into texting too soon. I am really bad at romantic texting. I have to focus on my strengths, keeping quiet and letting her talk on the phone. I just want to be able to answer her phone call without it being a sign of dependency. 

I have been there before and that woman broke up with me because, as she said, 'You were too needy. When I called you, you answered the phone. I need a man who will not be there for me.'

Boker Or

Even if Old People Can Meet, They Judge Me (Letter #8)

Shalom Josh,

I don't meet girls randomly anymore. I had my chances for romance when I was in elementary school. Now, there are matchmakers, random people who work jobs that are not ready for me to hit on them, and then there is the internet. Community events and parties don't work for me. Women in the community talk. I have been out with a few of them. They all know about me already. No chance. Word is out and I am flawed.

It is about the mystery. And I offer very little of that. The most mysterious thing about me is that I am the guy who doesn't show up to the parties. Women are intrigued by my not being present.

I should have been more tactful about choosing which ones to go out with. Just going out because the shadchan said I had to killed my chances with any of the other women. And this was before Facebook. So I chose those blind-dates I would have been able to have nixed now. And two of those first three were women I had already met. I suck with names. With Facebook, I would have known that she was the one who thought my profession was unimportant and that I was not successful.

Now, with Facebook, the people setting me up cannot lie anymore. I know that is the woman I am not attracted to. And no matter how much they tell me I am, that 'I will only know if I give her a chance,' I know. I find it wrong that I am pushed to go out on dates with women I am not attracted to.

Am I that important that I have to give a woman a chance to prove herself to me? That is a harsh prospect for anybody. 'Prove to me that you are good looking in my eyes. Get attractive and show me your personality. Get naked with your thoughts. Shaindel insisted that I allow you that opportunity. She told me that attraction comes with time. I do not want to hurt the process, so I am not going to look at you.'

The other main way I meet is online dating. When I go on those dates, I can use the profile for conversation starters. The go to starter is, 'So, you are looking for a kind, honest and handsome man.' After the last date I went on, where the girl complained that I had opinions, I like this asking concept. The profile question technique might even be better than the open-ended one-word question technique. 

My goal has changed to just not look bad. Goal is to get in and out, without being noticed. 

I like the profile conversation starter. I should use that for every date. That is the one fact I know about all women; they are looking for somebody who is kind, honest and handsome. I have yet to have seen a profile that has not had that. They sometimes add 'tall,' so that people like myself do not message them. Making it clear that they don't like driving in hatchbacks. 

I feel it is a safe bet to ask them if it is important for a man to be honest.

That keen understanding of woman's profile did save me. I didn't know where my last date was from and I naturally went for the profile information. I have seen enough of them to be able to finesse where to go. I didn't even know if it was the right woman. But I was able to ask her, 'Why do you want a kind man?' 

It just hit me. She used the profile tactic against me. What gives? I even do research, study the profiles of many ladies before a date, and even that??? Studiousness works to my disfavor. It got back to me that she told everybody I was odd and not a giving person. They have to be used together- 'Why are you looking for a kind, honest and handsome man.' Either that, or the open-ended technique.

What gives these women the right to start spreading all this stuff about me, when I go out on one date with them? I was all positive about this dating thing, and then I think about the date I went on. I was even thinking about going for the multiple blind-dates. You saw, a paragraph ago- I was into it.

I am not talking anymore on first dates. I am just sitting there silently. Even if I do that Josh, there is a chance that she will tell everybody that I don't talk. That I am rude, and worst of all, I don't have opinions. 

If I am on mute, then I am mysterious. I am the guy who doesn't talk. I am an enigma of thought.

Questions, such as the 'looking for...' and the open-ended are going to be reserved for women on can trust. Only to be pulled out on the second date. I would remain silent all the time, but I cannot pull that for very long. Otherwise, I would keep silent all the time, and I would have a wife talking to me. But I do talk back, so I have to work with what I have and keep it limited.

Dispersal of material will help me look interested and knowledgeable. For the good ladies, who deserve it, it will allow for more dates as well. Material will run out quickly. However, if it is the right one, and I do get married to her, we are not going to want to talk anyways.  

At that point, we will try to have kids and a lot of other tasks, to keep our minds off the fact that I have no idea where she is from.

Layla Tov Achi,
David

Leave The Questions Open-Ended (Letter #7)

Sholm Josh,

Got it- OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS.  

Leave the questions open ended & you can have multiple-date days- not that dating countless women at once or going on more than one date with any lady is suggestible. It is taking a chance. But if you live in Vegas and play the odds- it works- just hedge your women a bit. 

We know that my biggest problem is remembering stuff about these people I am dating. They think it is because I don't care. That is not fare to say. I do care. But it is hard to remember the details when I have to go out with another woman that I also care about, in a few hours.

Here is the idea:

Leave the questions open and they can't figure out that you don't know. Example- 'What's your name?' Great question- very open- she can answer with anything she wants & it shows your interest. It also can lead to conversation. Just don't use the word 'again'- not a good way to end the question. I have done that before, and she got mad. The key is to leave it vague. Don't give it away that you forgot her name in the middle of the date, unless you preface the question with, 'I am an idiot.' This is why you never use the word 'again;' it shows you forgot.

Open-ended questions are better than running. I have tried that before as well, but that girl told everybody I ran away. I find this whole talking about me thing to be rude. it is Lashon Hara (talking bad about other people), and that is forbidden. It is not like I am shallow, and it is not like she was going to offer to flip the bill. If I would have asked 'How are you going to pay for dinner?' it would have been a whole different story. It would have showed I cared.

I still don't understand why I am considered rude if I don't end up paying for her. I am not a male-chauvinist, and I feel that it is important for women to express their equality and pay for the men. And then to not be called chivalrous, because the girl couldn't open up her own door, and I had to take off. I am sorry, but I do not have all the time in the world. I think we have to redefine chivalry, and what really is considered noble. I allowed her to express herself as a female. 

If I would have left it open-ended, it would have been smooth. Instead of taking off, I could have asked, 'How are you going to find your way home?' Then I wouldn't have looked like this uncaring single loser, and she would have told the matchmaker that I am somebody who cares.

I am thinking now, my brother...Hobbies. That is a good conversation starter. Great topic.

You just can't let them know you forgot their hobbies- that shows that you didn't prep for the date by looking at their profile.

Anything that is a heading on an internet profile is a topic. One word questions is perfect: 'Hobbies?'- one right there, 'Looking for'- two words- but still works- they can fill in the 'What are you' part, 'Body-type?'- with a hyphen it is one word. The idea is that the less I say, the less chance I have of looking like an idiot. And the one word thing makes it even more open-ended. 

Should I add the word 'favorite'? They do like talking about that on the internet.

What you think about it? If I leave the questions open-ended, with an open-beginning as well, I won't be saying anything and I can just stare at her- waiting for an answer. I can come out looking decent. And then I can go on a second date and ask her what she wants in a relationship. They ask that on the internet profile as well. That would be my second date question. 

Shavua Tov,
David

Too Many Women- Too Much Information (Letter #6)

Shalom Josh,

It is all pointless my man.

I have been out with so many women recently, I have to go through a pre-date flow chart to figure out which one I am with. There is nothing more uncomfortable than asking the same questions and having the same conversation again, with the same girl. It generally happens in the middle of the date, where I realize that she is the one I dated before. 

It is even difficult having to figure out which one I am going out with at the time. I can't remember the information. This is why I do not go on second dates anymore. It has nothing to do with not giving a chance to the girl, who I am not attracted to. I am not that shallow. 

On a first date, I am forgiven for the lack of knowledge and care given to the specific woman. Specifics, those are the problems. These ladies think that if you remember stuff about them, then you care. So I don't remember what you do for a living, that you have siblings, that you are vegetarian. How is this offensive?

I have to date though. People are getting mad at me for saying 'no' to match ideas, so I have learned to just say 'yes.' It is easier to let down a girl than a matchmaker.

I am getting set up by people who can care less about the detail, and then I end up not remembering the girl's name. And then the matchmaker says to me that I am the one who doesn't care. I can put them in categories, but I still have to know if she is the one from Jerusalem or Kfar Saba. If I could have just remembered that, it would have been a great date. I had no conversation go to. At least, if I remembered she was from Katamon, I would have had a conversation starter. I would have at least known where to pick her up.

I even cleaned the car for this date. But she says I do not care.

It is getting confusing Josh. They expect too much.

I know you think I am a player. It is these shadchanim. These matchmakers are all over me.

Enjoy Your Marriage,

David

Lying About Age Leads to Hard Dates (Letter #5)

Shalom Josh,

Buddy

The new 35 year old just got called off- which means I get to spend tonight by myself. Sweet. Get to watch some movies. 

I just learned how to use the free movie sites. Now I can afford to watch videos. It is like more focused TV, with no commercials, and I don't even have to pay for it.  

I saw a more recent picture of her on the internet and I know why she called it off. She did not want me thinking she was 45, because she was 45. 

That is a tough life to live, having to lie about your age. Telling people you are one age and having to convince them you are not another, cannot be easy. I went on a date with a 14 year old who needed a triple bi-pass, due to stress at work. That is child labor and that is wrong. Law firms should know better than hiring children that young. Giving them over time hours is abuse. I know because I dated her, and I am still questioning the matchmaker for putting me in that situation, where I had to date somebody who cannot even drink alcohol. I was amazed that the bar let her in, and even gave her as much wine as she wanted, even after checking her ID. And the service when they gave her a chocolate milk to chase it.

Then you have to continue the charade that you are not old as hell. Put up a high school picture on your profile. I have been on dates where the woman was offended that I did not recognize her coming into the cafe. She had changed a bit over the past 30 years.

You lie about your age, you deserve to get caught. If you are lying about your age, because you do not want a committed relationship, then OK. But I am going to figure it out at some point. If you are using a walker, all hunchbacked at 40 years old- with silvery white hair, I know you lied. Reaching menopause at 35, with wrinkles. I know.

Truth is, the lady might be 35 and I might be offensive. I have seen what plastic surgeons can do to people, and Joan Rivers looks older.

Her profile picture from her 6th birthday party was taken with a Polaroid instant folding camera, and uploaded, with the unique 1970's lack of decent flash, and extreme amounts of brown in the background. The fact that she used that as one of her profile pictures, and doesn't know how to upload a digital picture, is a giveaway.  

Check it. I did go on a date the other night. Dates is what I do now. I am not looking for a relationship. I am just looking for dates. That is what makes me happy. 

It was a legitimate date too. We went for coffee. I paid. Legit. We didn't talk and I paid. Legit Josh. That is the sign of a real date- spending money on somebody you don't like, who doesn't say thank you- after you pay for her meal and cab-ride home. She couldn't smile and I was on. She had this testing look, which made me feel like I was a 5th grader. A legit date. No smiles and very awkward conversation. By the end of the date the truth came out, I skipped class and she made me repeat my jokes to the whole restaurant.  

Fact is, she was a teacher- a lawyer- a waitress I picked up on the internet. Truth is I don't remember. I've been going out and corresponding with so many girls- they don't have individual stories anymore- they just fall into categories: divorced, single, married, old, young, middle-aged, happy, mad, athletic, thin, heavy, mother loves you, religious, all kinds of religious, in a relationship, bi. 

'Divorced? kid? Great! Lets start the date before you get that fake phone call that your kid is not feeling well.' 'Under 30 years old. You still have hope to meet the guy of your dreams. Lets end it right now. I don't have to hear about that guy who broke your heart, who you still love, because he is the greatest guy and married, because all of the good guys are taken and I suck.' 'Older than me. Why am I still paying for this date? My mom pays when we go out.'

And yes, I call it corresponding. It is a correspondence. That is what you call it when the main part of your dating life is happening on the internet.

I think I should go for it. I like this new 35 45 year old, who is still in love with another guy, who might be up for a bi-racial date. Should I go for it Josh? It could lead to a good date with one of her friends.

Later Achi

Save the Internet Date so you Don't Have to Retype (Letter #4)

Shalom Josh, 

I wrote this letter twice. The server crashed. Now I am dealing with a crisis. It is a nightmare and probably the biggest problem I will ever encounter. A server crashes and I did not save, that is a killed day. Being alone is nothing. Being alone and having to redo the work I have already done- that is what makes life unbearable. Having to rewrite a letter to you, is unbearable. 

Now that I think about it: A blind-date is kind of like a server that crashed when I didn't save the project. I lost the one before. Now I have to redo the whole thing over again. I have to remember the best parts, so that it comes out just as good as the first time. So that at least there are some good parts, like the time I paid for the girl who had another guy pick her up. I hope she said 'thank you' to him.  No matter what, it is very frustrating, knowing that I have to redo something I already wasted so much time on.

I am still taking it slow with that girl from the party. I haven't heard from her since. I think I am playing the game right.

I am sitting in a coffee shop with many ladies right now, rewriting this letter. Do not worry Josh, I am focused on the computer. This way, the general lady populace of the cafe will know that I am serious and not available for conversation. Not being available is a turn on to the average lady. I think this is a good move. They will know I am working and waiting for a special lady to pop up, on the screen. 

I just saw one guy who was happy- he's with a woman- maybe they're not married- but he's happy. Maybe he has a personality and is good at talking to women he meets. He probably has no internet game.

It is kind of frustrating, knowing that all of these women are alone and waiting to meet somebody. It is frustrating knowing I cannot go over, because their husband will be showing up. Wedding rings are a big turnoff. If any woman wants to know, I usually don't go for women with wedding rings.

I am sitting in a coffee shop right now, surrounded by beautiful women and I am writing to you. I am writing to you and focused on my internet prospects. I should hope that these hot single women all meet very interesting men on the internet. 

If I am lucky, maybe I will come across one of them on that Gan Eden site. The biggest problem I am having on this site is that you can't contact the other person. We both have to be signed up with paid memberships. I will not pay for a membership, as I believe it is important for the woman to know what she is getting into. Another problem with the paid membership thing is that I would never go out with somebody who is so pathetic to care enough to meet somebody. I would only go out with the unpaid users, who use it to check out people, every day. I know 'every day,' because their status says they were on it, every day. Point is, if I see her on Gan Eden, then I see her in the cafe, if she looks at my profile at that moment, I can go over to her and neither of us has to pay for the membership. And we can forgo the awkwardness of meeting online and then corresponding before we meet, so that she can feel comfortable meeting me.

Once college finished, my chances for meeting a special lady stopped. I am not in any public situation which breeds healthy conversation on a regular day to day basis. I am not in classes and I cannot ask a random lady if she wants to come back to my place and study the bus schedule. The lady at the bank is always mad at me for cashing my checks. The lady at the pharmacy knows every medical disease, of age, that I have. The lady at the synagogue has already been set up with me by every other lady at the synagogue. I can take up an activity, but then the birdwatchers will know I only did it to meet a woman.

If I just got it right the first time and saved that first girl, I would have never had to redo it.

Later Achi