Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Divorcee I Met at Party after Blind-Date with Israeli who Translated (Letter #3)

Shalom Josh,

I thought it was a good idea to take a chance on the internet. As we learn, it is not. I have seen neighbors opening and closing doors very quickly since my kindly invite down the stairs, for dinner, to a woman on Yahoopersonals.

I will tell you about the internet date, with the woman I met through a woman on the internet.
By the time I went out with her, she was 40. She was celebrating her birthday that week. All said and done, 'I did it.'  I can now go out with 40 year olds.

I met up with my blind-date who I met through my neighbor on the internet, who was trying everything she can to not have to go out with me. She changed her profile name, but I caught that; as even though she changed the picture, I could still tell that was her under the shaytel (head-covering). And to be honest, we are still living in the same building, so it is not very hard for me to know when she is going down to check her mail. I can hear when the doors in the building open, they are very thin walls.
Back to the date. Let’s just say 'she had a great personality & it was great conversation.' Great conversation means she was a really nice woman and the date sucked. Great conversation means that it would have been nice to spend a Friday night dinner together, with her and another chick I was attracted to, so that afterwards I could talk with my buddies about something that wasn't going to happen. Great conversation means that I should get to know my neighbor better. Great conversation means I should have stayed at home. Great conversation means I am back on yahoopersonals. Great conversation means I should have visited my nephews and nieces.
I feel so shallow, but I was misled by her friend's internet picture. I was looking at my neighbor's profile picture. I forgot that she was the one setting me up. 
My neighbor's picture was from college. I don't think age has to do with hot, but she changed over those 20 years. I take back hot, Josh. I meant to say, she looked different when I met her outside the building. Now my neighbor looks like more of a woman.
The woman she set me up with is not even a friend of hers, just another neighbor. It turns out that they were internet buddies too. She found a way to pawn me off to another date, through yahoopersonals.

About the date: I was not into this woman, so I finished the coffee real fast. Once the coffee is done, the date is over. That is my rule. If I order another coffee before I finished the first one, I really like the woman. Here, I got an espresso.
I went to the bathroom in the middle of the date for a good 20 minutes- they had the postcards in there and I read every one of them- in Hebrew- that is how bad the date was. It was so bad that I didn’t even know if it would be good. My date was Israeli and she spoke Hebrew. I've been going out with Israeli girls now, because on average, they are hot and it is a language lesson- like absorption dating. I didn't understand all the postcards, so I had to go back to my date 2 or 3 times in the middle of my bathroom session, to make sure I was reading the post cards correctly. She ended up flipping the bill. Lesson learned: if you don't want to pay- go to the bathroom. 
I ended up paying her back. Fact is, if the girl pays, I have to go out on another date. I don't know if that is a real rule. If there is another way around not having to go on  a second date, in a cheaper way, please let me know.
After the 20 minutes, I figured it was time to head to the birthday party. I am not a big fan of parties, but when things are going bad, they work as a great excuse for somewhere to be. It gets the other person thinking that I care about other people; that I want to share in their joyous occasions, of also not being out with crazy internet friend lady who is willing to go out with a guy who could very easily be getting a red dot on Family Watchdog.
She also drove me to a party after the date.  I am a new immigrant without a car and she is older than my mom was when I was conceived. She did drop me off a block away from the party- due to my request. I have a reputation dude! I didn't want to be seen showing up to a party with my mom. I think that is respectable.
Party season is almost over and I am happy for that. I am looking forward to not having to show up to peoples' homes to pretend like I want to be there. Odds are, I am not going to meet anybody. I have done the math over the past 16 years or so. I would rather eat dinner in my house and watch a good movie. It is much cheaper than the wine I have to bring. They raking in the dough. Big time. It is a scam. They host these parties and tell people to bring wine. Next thing you know, they have dinner gifts for the rest of the year.

I broke it off with the Espresso date. I don't know why I called. I think she got the message when I said, 'There was no pleasure,' at the end of the date.
I called her up the next day- broke it off with a thank you and an internet hug. She was cool and I am thinking of guys to set her up with. I am not good at breaking up without jumping into a different conversation, like 'hope to see you around.' But, I have noticed that women really hate to hear me saying, 'Hope to see you around.' They never want to see me again. When we break it off, I am pretty sure they are stabbing an effigy of me. I am not sure. I have to ask the women what they do. I am sure they never want to see me again. I know that, because they like I have heard them cursing me before. I find it all very uncomfortable. That is why I look at the breakup like a segue. 'We are done, but now coming into your life is my good friend who has also been single for a very long time, because he cannot be straight forward and express his true feelings. Maybe he will be attracted to you. Who knows?'
 It is sad- the best I can hope for is a clean breakup. I know it is not going to work out. Some guys work on pick up lines- i'm mastering break-up lines.  'You know how to get the women, I know how to lose them.'  Trust me, it is a marketable skill.  'We are not compatible you____!'  The nice guy thing doesn't work. I have decided to start going straight for the other person's issues.

To tell you about the post date party- the mojo was working. After a bad date, everything looks good. A minute after I got there, I forgot about my date. Everybody looked so beautiful, thanks to my date and my new standards, and the dark room. I ended up chilling with a divorcee with kids (the divorcee population is an untapped population of 28 year old hotties. what were their husbands thinking?).  The divorcee was hot and I know that because I had the reassurance of 5 really close and drunk friends.  But why was she partying when she has a kid? That to me shows irresponsible.
Parents are not supposed to party. They should only be out for get-togethers. Get-togethers are a responsible way for parents to see other people. Bar-mitzvahs are fine too. But a parent should never be at a party.
The divorcee gave me a number which doesn't work. That was the only responsible thing she did. I wasn't even going to ask her out. I was going to set her up with my friend. So she was wrong. Ha Ha. 
Even so, we had a good tom flirting, if you know what I mean. Maybe you don't know what I mean. I'll tell you. We were talking that romantic stuff like, 'Whose the daddy?! Whose the daddy?!' 
I am now talking with this 40 year old I'll be going out with on Wednesday.  She has a great voice, teaches Torah and is real sweet. That is what the matchmaker/shadchan told me. She didn't want to say that she is not attractive. I am back on the shidduch dates. Legit. With a matchmaker. Which is fine. I am sure that the matchmaker lady who set us up has different taste in looks than me.
I have another blind-date tomorrow night too, and I am looking forward to it. The matchmaker said that she wasn't her type.
Later Achi