Friday, June 16, 2017

Political Opinions in Relationships- David Kilimnick Live ('Single Generation' Ep2)

Click here for 'Political Opinions in Relationships' Radio Show link

'Political Opinions in Relationships'- David Kilimnick Live
'Single Generation' Ep2
Radio show discussing the topic of single people in a family today's show we talk about how politics has been killing relationships, because millenials can't have a discussion without being offended.
Also touching on marketing your age and divorce and if it is OK

***To share more laughter and perspective from Jerusalem, like my page David Kilimnick comedian דוד קילימניק הסטנדאפיסט
David would love to share more laughs with you at Jerusalem's Off The Wall Comedy Basement - מרתף הצחוק every Thursday in English, and Wednesday in Hebrew. David may also be hired for private events, tour groups, simchas and poetry readings.
#singlelife #singles

Monday, June 12, 2017

Marketing Yourself as a Single Person- David Kilimnick Live ('Single Generation' Ep1)

Click here for Link to 'Marketing a Single Person' Radio Show

'Marketing a Single Person'- David Kilimnick Live
'Single Generation' Ep1
Test Show discussing marketing yourself as a single person...Listen from around 2 minutes in when the show starts rolling.
Radio show discussing the topic of single people in a family world
To hear more commentary, and share more laughs and education from Jerusalem, like my Facebook page David Kilimnick comedian דוד קילימניק הסטנדאפיסט

***I would love to share more laughs with you at Jerusalem's Off The Wall Comedy Basement - מרתף הצחוק, every Thursday in English, and Wednesday in Hebrew. David may also be hired for private events, tour groups, simchas and poetry readings.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

What Matchmakers Are Really Saying (as published on Jewlarious)

What Matchmakers Are Really Saying: Don’t let shadchans throw you off. They’re putting you down, but it’s for your own good.

by David Kilimnick

I want to get married already.
As a matter of fact, I want all of us older Jewish singles to get married. Holidays are not fun as a single religious person. I had a “Singles Seder” last Passover. It was pathetic. I had to hide the Afikomen from myself. I didn’t find it. I felt like an idiot. I couldn’t even get myself the prize. I really wanted that bike.
So the question is how do we get married?
Answer: we have to embrace the “Shidduch”, or in common parlance words, the blind date.
Terminology that You Must Overlook
If you are going to be set up, you are going to hear some stuff that does not make sense. Do not let it throw you off. Just remember, they are putting you down, but it’s for your own good. Your problem is that you are around people that are too supportive.
Be ready for these lines:
-‘They are Frum (religious) but cool’
As if we expect all religious people to be losers. The matchmaker explained that it was because she even knows how to use a computer. That was too much for me. As I told the matchmaker, I was looking for a religious woman; people that understand technology are not my type.
-‘Modern Frum’
As far as I can tell, this means not religious at all. They described me as modern frum and then explained, ‘he wears jeans.’ Apparently no good religious people wear denim.
-‘Looks good for her age’
Stay away from this. Nobody looks good for their age. They look 30 years older than they should be. That is ‘looking good for your age.’ Do not go out with anybody that ‘looks good for their age.’ A five year old child who looks good for their age, looks 90. A 90 year old that ‘looks good for her age,’ looks 105.
-‘Looks youthful’
At least 90.
-‘They are very with it.’
That is a sure sign that they are living in a retirement home.
-‘Distinguished, dignified’
These are attributes of evening wear, not of people. This is what they say when they want to hide the fact that I am balding. It is also a way to avoid the conversation of how somebody lost their job. You might even hear other words like ‘delightful’ to describe somebody who is in fact not that delightful.
-‘Lights up the room’
This means she is very ostentatious. Does a little twirl and says, ‘I am here,’ everywhere she goes. This is also an offensive way to refer to red-heads.
-‘You are not getting any younger’
A statement made to remind you that you do not get younger with age. Many people are not aware of the fact that years go by. They say this, just in case you thought you were taking off some years of your life by going to the gym.
-‘She is not a super model’
That is not the first thing I feel is relevant when hearing about a potential spouse. Even so, I was told that, because she understood that I had an unrealistic vision for my intended. Super Models are not religious Jews. Religious Jews don’t usually dress like that. She continued to preface the match by saying, ‘She is not somebody you would ever see on TV.’ Still not peaking my interest. Then she nailed it, ‘Not somebody you would ever want to see in your home.’ OK now she got me. I went out. I gave it a chance.
It didn’t work out. That is the ending to all of the stories you will hear from me. Sorry to give the ending away.
-‘You are not perfect either’
This is a statement made because many of us have not been living with our parents for the past few years and therefore need a reality check. This is usually stated with a sense of resentment, for not taking their suggestion for a date. Even though they are married and should have no say as to whether you want to date the other person, they are telling you that you have no right to not go out with somebody you don’t want to.
-‘You could do better’
Remain single for another 30 years. After finally meeting a special somebody you thought you cared for, they are not good enough for your family.
-‘You’re too picky’
You should not date people you are attracted to. A statement made by the person setting you up, meaning, ‘You should settle for somebody you do not like, like I did. Think of them as a roommate. That you don’t like.’
-‘He needs somebody real special’
He needs a mother, a nanny and a caregiver. We cannot pinpoint his disability.
-‘Nobody is perfect’
Be ready for this bad idea for a date.
-‘I think he might be a few years older than you’
He is around twice your age.
-‘Attraction grows with time’
I was not attracted to my husband till 5 years into our marriage. I thought he was sinfully ugly when I married him.
-‘‘Im Yirtzah Hashem’ (God willing) by you’
This is said to remind you that it will be a miracle if a girl wants to marry you. As my shadchanit said at the end of our last meeting, ‘You are going to need God’s help for something to happen.’
-‘What are you looking for?’
A trick question. Do not answer this. Your honest answer will deem you shallow. Your parents may ask you this as well. They do not want to hear the answer.
-‘It will happen soon’
A disassociated statement made in response to a random greeting. This remark is made by all community members who are thinking that it is crazy you are still single. They are thinking of somebody for you. Example of conversation where this is seen: ‘It will happen soon.’ Response by me, ‘I just said “Shabbat Shalom.”’ End of conversation, and me trying to figure out what ‘it’ means.
-‘He was 55 and he still got married’
A story everybody shares about a really depressed man who was sitting on dating sites for years. He was about to give up, when he finally met a woman who had 8 children, from 5 husbands. This is supposed to give inspiration to people who are 25 years younger. The story is supposed to teach you that there might be a really bad 25 years of solitude ahead.
-‘Soon by you’
This is said at weddings, to make you more aware of the fact that somebody else is getting married right now, and it is not you. It is tradition to seek out the single person in these circumstances, to make them more conscious of the fact that they are the only one in the room above 30 who is not married, at your younger sibling’s wedding.
-‘David, you are single, chubby, balding, kind of desperate. I have somebody perfect for you.’
As the person who set me up (the Shadchanit) told me, ‘You cannot meet the right person, if you think too positively about yourself.’ This shidduch turned into an excellent relationship, as I was able to overlook the fact that I had needs.
-‘He comes from a good family’
He has accomplished nothing with his life.
If you can overlook all of the above statements, you will be married in not time.
Soon by you.

Where to Meet Jewish Singles (as published on Jewlarious)

Where to Meet Jewish Singles: It’s time to meet my bashert already!

by David Kilimnick

Well, the summer is coming to a close and many single people are still asking, “How does a Jewish person meet their Jewish spouse?”
After many years of studying Jewish singles society, as a single man, I have witnessed many ways one can meet other Jews. Here are some of the best places and some advice from me. Because I’m still single:


At a wedding, you want to make sure that you are seated at a table with good single people. You are at the wedding to meet somebody. Focus. You are not there for the bride and the groom.
Now, there may be difficulties you will have to overcome. At family events, I usually end up sitting at the kids table; I am single, they are single. However, this is not optimal for meeting a potential spouse. Even if you like chicken fingers, try to make sure that they do not sit you at the kids table.
Work on your dance moves. People take notice of your circle dancing ‘horah’ steps. There is also the traditional time where the people dance in front of the bride and groom. Also known as the Jewish cypher, this is an especially good time for your dance work to get noticed. The Jewish Riverdance is a very popular move. It is similar to the Irish folk dance, but you are allowed to move your upper body. Doing pushups is another new dance that seems to be popular. That one is similar to the worm, but it doesn’t look like it when you’re Jewish.

Shul/Synagogue- Kiddush

The post services snack social, the Kiddush, is a great place to meet.
You’ve see this on National Geographic. A lion will not just attack a herd of zebras. Instead he waits by the water (water or watering hole can work- watering hole just makes it sound more like a National Geographic thing) and then pounces. So too, when that single you’d like to talk to approaches the Kiddush table, you pounce: ‘You like choolante?...So do I…Say, maybe you would like this piece of herring…Take my horseradish. They also have borscht today.’
You can meet during the prayer service as well, but that can cause a ruckus; especially when you have to start climbing over the partition to get a decent conversation going.


Costume parties, sushi parties, ice cream parties. Anything with the word ‘party’ works. Without a party, a toga is just a bedsheet.
Singles parties are also a great way to meet. But do not let anybody know that you are there because you would like to get married. Nobody is attracted to somebody who shows up to a singles party to meet people. That is the quickest way to chase away someone who is looking to find his or her potential spouse.
Holidays are particularly great times for parties. I met a beautiful lady at the costume party last Purim. If anybody knows who Tinkerbell was, please let me know.

Her Parents’ Home

Just hang out there. If you are good meeting the parents first, this is the route for you. It will make the meeting the in-laws ordeal much less awkward.

Loehmann’s Department Store

If her parents aren’t at the house, her mom might be there.
That one was dedicated to those people whose favorite era of Jewish jokes was the 1970s.


This is a code word for singles event.
As a single man, this is a sneaky way to go to a singles party without people knowing you are at one.
Beware: Community fundraisers are for married people. Fundraisers for a cause that has nothing to do with the community, are for singles. For instance, a fundraiser for the local synagogue is for married people. Do not show your support. A fundraiser for children whose home got flooded somewhere in India, when your synagogue has a leaky roof, is for single people.


Show up to activities you like. Common interests are the most natural way to meet somebody.
Eater: If you like food, cooking classes can be a great way to go. You are allowed to eat the food after you make it. Unfortunately, you will have to put up with a prolonged process in order to get the food. Once I went to an eating class to get to the eating part quicker. But apparently, women do not show up to eating classes.
Collector: Show up to auctions. This is also a great place to go if you like hearing people talk fast and watching people wave numbered ping pong paddles.
When collecting, you get to connect with your childhood hobbies. If you are a man, you might meet a woman who loves baseball cards. Awesome. If you are a woman, you might find a man who likes Barbie. Not as awesome.
Bird Watching: Is there any better activity? No.
Biking: Take up biking. You do not have to enjoy every activity you do. Remember, the idea is to meet somebody with similar interests. You both find biking painful; now you have a match.
So those are my top suggestions. Believe me, I tried all of these out myself. It got to the point where I was doing 18 extracurricular activities a week, just to meet somebody. It was way too tiring.
Another good opportunity is coming up - Yom Kippur. Kol Nidrei is probably the best time to be checking out who else is in the synagogue. Yom Kippur: the holiday of love.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Internet Doesn't Work With Feelings (Letter #10)

Shalom Josh,

OK. I will admit it. I have had problems starting relationships online. I know it is a not a regular thing for me to admit my dating woes. But I come to you. My friend. My confidant. My married man who has no outlet for the frustration he feels. 
The internet goes nowhere for me. A lot of pictures of women. A lot of stuff that looks good, if I ever met them. A lot of stuff that looks perfect. A lot of lying that I am willing to forego if I had a date with a real person. Be it age, weight, a picture of somebody else on their profile, it is all good.
It looks good. Most of the time, I don't even know their religious background or their hobbies. I don't read that much of the profile. I have learned to not be the shallow type to judge a potential match based on their degrees, family background, religious status. I see the pictures and that is enough for me. The pictures say everything.
I am also religiously forgiving on the internet. These women are wearing tight clothes, flaunting it. On the internet, it is fine. I am not fine with it in a relationship, but it works on the internet. There is a lot of forgiveness for sexiness on the internet, even if they are ultra-orthodox. It is a different dress code. 
Why am I not fine with the type and revealing clothes in a relationship? Because people will think I am with an attractive woman, and that would kill my reputation.

The start of the interest is there. She has a picture with a revealing outfit. But it doesn't go further than that. I give it a chance. The women never respond when I ask for more than the profile information. It is like sending a script out to a Hollywood producer. I see it on TV before they respond to the mail. 'Just reported. A loser 38 year old is still trying to pick up women on the internet. Another man who does not have the ability to hit on a women in person...sitting in his boxers on the dating sites.'
I ask for more information and the stalker antennas go up. I am not asking address. I am not on Tinder. On Tinder, they are willing to meet a total stranger, as long as they know nothing about him. 
They are afraid to share more information than their height and body-type. Those are crazy person questions. And normal guys don't ask those. What normal guy needs more information than that? Normal guys might want to also know skin complexion. But that is it. What an idiot I used to be. I am writing her about religious beliefs. I learned my lesson. Do not waste time with information. Any man that needs more information must be suspect.
I could write, 'When you coming over?' I can write, 'You are hot,' if that is not proper language in synagogue. I usually write, 'How was your day?' That is too personal. That scares them. I am an idiot man. Women only like that question when they are married to you. Otherwise, it is an extreme turn off. They are scared about this whole meeting thing. The meeting thing can potentially turn into a relationship. And unless we get married, there is not enough time for her to tell me how her day went. 
You are right now hearing about 'her day.' I know. You complain about it all the time.
If I am going to develop a relationship from a dating site, I have to stick to my commitment to not know about the woman.

Erev Tov

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Took it Offline (Letter #9)

Shalom Josh,

There is an internet prospective woman now, who I am talking with. Catch this- by phone. We have moved beyond the computer. A big step in the relationship, if I may say so myself. I have heard her voice. Look at the profile and listen to her voice and it feels like I am in a relationship with a one-dimensional figure. Does that sound scary? To me, it is the beginning phases of modern day courtship. 
I am not that privy to proper courting, but you would be proud of me. I have even played hard to get. I let my phone ring, and I didn't answer it.
Big plus- She has tried comedy & she might be able to be a character in a show I am producing. That means that there is a point to the date. I do not meet up with women anymore, with the goal of a relationship. A job opportunity is more likely to happen. I like to know that something positive might transpire. 
This is all if the date happens. She blew off the date for this week. I don't think she likes how my voice sounds with my profile. Maybe I need a deeper phone voice. Most women have not been a fan of my third grade sounding American male voice.
She did say she can't go out this week, which makes me feel free & lonely at the same time. If you can't go out, why are we talking? That is like ordering a falafel and not being hungry. Then asking the guy to hold the falafel for a week. I am never not hungry. Talking on the phone won't lead to a fun night. 
Is that a wrong outlook, that I am expressing? Should I just be satisfied with the phone call and play it smooth? Take it slow? Wait till she can pencil me in, in October? Wait till she breaks up with the other guys she is talking with on the phone? Get used to not answering my phone until she calls the third time, to keep the relationship fresh for the first time we meet?

I know she is cheating on me. I am sure she has phone conversations with other people.
Now that I think about it, this phone talking thing does not get me all happy. 'Ahhhh, how nice? She is thinking about me while she is out with her better plans.' That doesn't make me feel good. Even so, I am very excited about taking our relationship to the next level. At least it is off the internet. Who knows? We might even be texting soon.

What is the next step in this courtship? Is it leaving messages? I don't know if I am ready for that. I am very confused. And I am very scared of pushing her into texting too soon. I am really bad at romantic texting. I have to focus on my strengths, keeping quiet and letting her talk on the phone. I just want to be able to answer her phone call without it being a sign of dependency. 
I have been there before and that woman broke up with me because, as she said, 'You were too needy. When I called you, you answered the phone. I need a man who will not be there for me.'

Boker Or

Monday, July 20, 2015

Even if Old People Can Meet, They Judge Me (Letter #8)

Shalom Josh,

I don't meet girls randomly anymore. I had my chances for romance when I was in elementary school. Now, there are matchmakers, random people who work jobs that are not ready for me to hit on them, and then there is the internet. Community events and parties don't work for me. Women in the community talk. I have been out with a few of them. They all know about me already. No chance. Word is out and I am flawed.
It is about the mystery. And I offer very little of that. The most mysterious thing about me is that I am the guy who doesn't show up to the parties. Women are intrigued by my not being present.
I should have been more tactful about choosing which ones to go out with. Just going out because the shadchan said I had to killed my chances with any of the other women. And this was before Facebook. So I chose those blind-dates I would have been able to have nixed now. And two of those first three were women I had already met. I suck with names. With Facebook, I would have known that she was the one who thought my profession was unimportant and that I was not successful.
Now, with Facebook, the people setting me up cannot lie anymore. I know that is the woman I am not attracted to. And no matter how much they tell me I am, that 'I will only know if I give her a chance,' I know. I find it wrong that I am pushed to go out on dates with women I am not attracted to.
Am I that important that I have to give a woman a chance to prove herself to me? That is a harsh prospect for anybody. 'Prove to me that you are good looking in my eyes. Get attractive and show me your personality. Get naked with your thoughts. Shaindel insisted that I allow you that opportunity. She told me that attraction comes with time. I do not want to hurt the process, so I am not going to look at you.'

The other main way I meet is online dating. When I go on those dates, I can use the profile for conversation starters. The go to starter is, 'So, you are looking for a kind, honest and handsome man.' After the last date I went on, where the girl complained that I had opinions, I like this asking concept. The profile question technique might even be better than the open-ended one-word question technique. 
My goal has changed to just not look bad. Goal is to get in and out, without being noticed. 
I like the profile conversation starter. I should use that for every date. That is the one fact I know about all women; they are looking for somebody who is kind, honest and handsome. I have yet to have seen a profile that has not had that. They sometimes add 'tall,' so that people like myself do not message them. Making it clear that they don't like driving in hatchbacks. 
I feel it is a safe bet to ask them if it is important for a man to be honest.
That keen understanding of woman's profile did save me. I didn't know where my last date was from and I naturally went for the profile information. I have seen enough of them to be able to finesse where to go. I didn't even know if it was the right woman. But I was able to ask her, 'Why do you want a kind man?' 
It just hit me. She used the profile tactic against me. What gives? I even do research, study the profiles of many ladies before a date, and even that??? Studiousness works to my disfavor. It got back to me that she told everybody I was odd and not a giving person. They have to be used together- 'Why are you looking for a kind, honest and handsome man.' Either that, or the open-ended technique.

What gives these women the right to start spreading all this stuff about me, when I go out on one date with them? I was all positive about this dating thing, and then I think about the date I went on. I was even thinking about going for the multiple blind-dates. You saw, a paragraph ago- I was into it.
I am not talking anymore on first dates. I am just sitting there silently. Even if I do that Josh, there is a chance that she will tell everybody that I don't talk. That I am rude, and worst of all, I don't have opinions. 
If I am on mute, then I am mysterious. I am the guy who doesn't talk. I am an enigma of thought.

Questions, such as the 'looking for...' and the open-ended are going to be reserved for women on can trust. Only to be pulled out on the second date. I would remain silent all the time, but I cannot pull that for very long. Otherwise, I would keep silent all the time, and I would have a wife talking to me. But I do talk back, so I have to work with what I have and keep it limited.
Dispersal of material will help me look interested and knowledgeable. For the good ladies, who deserve it, it will allow for more dates as well. Material will run out quickly. However, if it is the right one, and I do get married to her, we are not going to want to talk anyways.  
At that point, we will try to have kids and a lot of other tasks, to keep our minds off the fact that I have no idea where she is from.

Layla Tov Achi,