Thursday, October 16, 2014

Lying About Age Leads to Hard Dates (Letter #5)

Shalom Josh,

Buddy

The new 35 year old just got called off- which means I get to spend tonight by myself. Sweet. Get to watch some movies. 
I just learned how to use the free movie sites. Now I can afford to watch videos. It is like more focused TV, with no commercials, and I don't even have to pay for it.  
I saw a more recent picture of her on the internet and I know why she called it off. She did not want me thinking she was 45, because she was 45. 
That is a tough life to live, having to lie about your age. Telling people you are one age and having to convince them you are not another, cannot be easy. I went on a date with a 14 year old who needed a triple bi-pass, due to stress at work. That is child labor and that is wrong. Law firms should know better than hiring children that young. Giving them over time hours is abuse. I know because I dated her, and I am still questioning the matchmaker for putting me in that situation, where I had to date somebody who cannot even drink alcohol. I was amazed that the bar let her in, and even gave her as much wine as she wanted, even after checking her ID. And the service when they gave her a chocolate milk to chase it.
Then you have to continue the charade that you are not old as hell. Put up a high school picture on your profile. I have been on dates where the woman was offended that I did not recognize her coming into the cafe. She had changed a bit over the past 30 years.
You lie about your age, you deserve to get caught. If you are lying about your age, because you do not want a committed relationship, then OK. But I am going to figure it out at some point. If you are using a walker, all hunchbacked at 40 years old- with silvery white hair, I know you lied. Reaching menopause at 35, with wrinkles. I know.
Truth is, the lady might be 35 and I might be offensive. I have seen what plastic surgeons can do to people, and Joan Rivers looks older.
Her profile picture from her 6th birthday party was taken with a Polaroid instant folding camera, and uploaded, with the unique 1970's lack of decent flash, and extreme amounts of brown in the background. The fact that she used that as one of her profile pictures, and doesn't know how to upload a digital picture, is a giveaway.  

Check it. I did go on a date the other night. Dates is what I do now. I am not looking for a relationship. I am just looking for dates. That is what makes me happy. 
It was a legitimate date too. We went for coffee. I paid. Legit. We didn't talk and I paid. Legit Josh. That is the sign of a real date- spending money on somebody you don't like, who doesn't say thank you- after you pay for her meal and cab-ride home. She couldn't smile and I was on. She had this testing look, which made me feel like I was a 5th grader. A legit date. No smiles and very awkward conversation. By the end of the date the truth came out, I skipped class and she made me repeat my jokes to the whole restaurant.  
Fact is, she was a teacher- a lawyer- a waitress I picked up on the internet. Truth is I don't remember. I've been going out and corresponding with so many girls- they don't have individual stories anymore- they just fall into categories: divorced, single, married, old, young, middle-aged, happy, mad, athletic, thin, heavy, mother loves you, religious, all kinds of religious, in a relationship, bi. 
'Divorced? kid? Great! Lets start the date before you get that fake phone call that your kid is not feeling well.' 'Under 30 years old. You still have hope to meet the guy of your dreams. Lets end it right now. I don't have to hear about that guy who broke your heart, who you still love, because he is the greatest guy and married, because all of the good guys are taken and I suck.' 'Older than me. Why am I still paying for this date? My mom pays when we go out.'
And yes, I call it corresponding. It is a correspondence. That is what you call it when the main part of your dating life is happening on the internet.
I think I should go for it. I like this new 35 45 year old, who is still in love with another guy, who might be up for a bi-racial date. Should I go for it Josh? It could lead to a good date with one of her friends.

Later Achi

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Save the Internet Date so you Don't Have to Retype (Letter #4)

Shalom Josh, 
I wrote this letter twice. The server crashed. Now I am dealing with a crisis. It is a nightmare and probably the biggest problem I will ever encounter. A server crashes and I did not save, that is a killed day. Being alone is nothing. Being alone and having to redo the work I have already done- that is what makes life unbearable. Having to rewrite a letter to you, is unbearable. 
Now that I think about it: A blind-date is kind of like a server that crashed when I didn't save the project. I lost the one before. Now I have to redo the whole thing over again. I have to remember the best parts, so that it comes out just as good as the first time. So that at least there are some good parts, like the time I paid for the girl who had another guy pick her up. I hope she said 'thank you' to him.  No matter what, it is very frustrating, knowing that I have to redo something I already wasted so much time on.
I am still taking it slow with that girl from the party. I haven't heard from her since. I think I am playing the game right.
I am sitting in a coffee shop with many ladies right now, rewriting this letter. Do not worry Josh, I am focused on the computer. This way, the general lady populace of the cafe will know that I am serious and not available for conversation. Not being available is a turn on to the average lady. I think this is a good move. They will know I am working and waiting for a special lady to pop up, on the screen. 
I just saw one guy who was happy- he's with a woman- maybe they're not married- but he's happy. Maybe he has a personality and is good at talking to women he meets. He probably has no internet game.
It is kind of frustrating, knowing that all of these women are alone and waiting to meet somebody. It is frustrating knowing I cannot go over, because their husband will be showing up. Wedding rings are a big turnoff. If any woman wants to know, I usually don't go for women with wedding rings.
I am sitting in a coffee shop right now, surrounded by beautiful women and I am writing to you. I am writing to you and focused on my internet prospects. I should hope that these hot single women all meet very interesting men on the internet. 
If I am lucky, maybe I will come across one of them on that Gan Eden site. The biggest problem I am having on this site is that you can't contact the other person. We both have to be signed up with paid memberships. I will not pay for a membership, as I believe it is important for the woman to know what she is getting into. Another problem with the paid membership thing is that I would never go out with somebody who is so pathetic to care enough to meet somebody. I would only go out with the unpaid users, who use it to check out people, every day. I know 'every day,' because their status says they were on it, every day. Point is, if I see her on Gan Eden, then I see her in the cafe, if she looks at my profile at that moment, I can go over to her and neither of us has to pay for the membership. And we can forgo the awkwardness of meeting online and then corresponding before we meet, so that she can feel comfortable meeting me.
Once college finished, my chances for meeting a special lady stopped. I am not in any public situation which breeds healthy conversation on a regular day to day basis. I am not in classes and I cannot ask a random lady if she wants to come back to my place and study the bus schedule. The lady at the bank is always mad at me for cashing my checks. The lady at the pharmacy knows every medical disease, of age, that I have. The lady at the synagogue has already been set up with me by every other lady at the synagogue. I can take up an activity, but then the birdwatchers will know I only did it to meet a woman.
If I just got it right the first time and saved that first girl, I would have never had to redo it.
Later Achi

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Divorcee I Met at Party after Blind-Date with Israeli who Translated (Letter #3)

Shalom Josh,

I thought it was a good idea to take a chance on the internet. As we learn, it is not. I have seen neighbors opening and closing doors very quickly since my kindly invite down the stairs, for dinner, to a woman on Yahoopersonals.

I will tell you about the internet date, with the woman I met through a woman on the internet.
By the time I went out with her, she was 40. She was celebrating her birthday that week. All said and done, 'I did it.'  I can now go out with 40 year olds.

I met up with my blind-date who I met through my neighbor on the internet, who was trying everything she can to not have to go out with me. She changed her profile name, but I caught that; as even though she changed the picture, I could still tell that was her under the shaytel (head-covering). And to be honest, we are still living in the same building, so it is not very hard for me to know when she is going down to check her mail. I can hear when the doors in the building open, they are very thin walls.
Back to the date. Let’s just say 'she had a great personality & it was great conversation.' Great conversation means she was a really nice woman and the date sucked. Great conversation means that it would have been nice to spend a Friday night dinner together, with her and another chick I was attracted to, so that afterwards I could talk with my buddies about something that wasn't going to happen. Great conversation means that I should get to know my neighbor better. Great conversation means I should have stayed at home. Great conversation means I am back on yahoopersonals. Great conversation means I should have visited my nephews and nieces.
I feel so shallow, but I was misled by her friend's internet picture. I was looking at my neighbor's profile picture. I forgot that she was the one setting me up. 
My neighbor's picture was from college. I don't think age has to do with hot, but she changed over those 20 years. I take back hot, Josh. I meant to say, she looked different when I met her outside the building. Now my neighbor looks like more of a woman.
The woman she set me up with is not even a friend of hers, just another neighbor. It turns out that they were internet buddies too. She found a way to pawn me off to another date, through yahoopersonals.

About the date: I was not into this woman, so I finished the coffee real fast. Once the coffee is done, the date is over. That is my rule. If I order another coffee before I finished the first one, I really like the woman. Here, I got an espresso.
I went to the bathroom in the middle of the date for a good 20 minutes- they had the postcards in there and I read every one of them- in Hebrew- that is how bad the date was. It was so bad that I didn’t even know if it would be good. My date was Israeli and she spoke Hebrew. I've been going out with Israeli girls now, because on average, they are hot and it is a language lesson- like absorption dating. I didn't understand all the postcards, so I had to go back to my date 2 or 3 times in the middle of my bathroom session, to make sure I was reading the post cards correctly. She ended up flipping the bill. Lesson learned: if you don't want to pay- go to the bathroom. 
I ended up paying her back. Fact is, if the girl pays, I have to go out on another date. I don't know if that is a real rule. If there is another way around not having to go on  a second date, in a cheaper way, please let me know.
After the 20 minutes, I figured it was time to head to the birthday party. I am not a big fan of parties, but when things are going bad, they work as a great excuse for somewhere to be. It gets the other person thinking that I care about other people; that I want to share in their joyous occasions, of also not being out with crazy internet friend lady who is willing to go out with a guy who could very easily be getting a red dot on Family Watchdog.
She also drove me to a party after the date.  I am a new immigrant without a car and she is older than my mom was when I was conceived. She did drop me off a block away from the party- due to my request. I have a reputation dude! I didn't want to be seen showing up to a party with my mom. I think that is respectable.
Party season is almost over and I am happy for that. I am looking forward to not having to show up to peoples' homes to pretend like I want to be there. Odds are, I am not going to meet anybody. I have done the math over the past 16 years or so. I would rather eat dinner in my house and watch a good movie. It is much cheaper than the wine I have to bring. They raking in the dough. Big time. It is a scam. They host these parties and tell people to bring wine. Next thing you know, they have dinner gifts for the rest of the year.

I broke it off with the Espresso date. I don't know why I called. I think she got the message when I said, 'There was no pleasure,' at the end of the date.
I called her up the next day- broke it off with a thank you and an internet hug. She was cool and I am thinking of guys to set her up with. I am not good at breaking up without jumping into a different conversation, like 'hope to see you around.' But, I have noticed that women really hate to hear me saying, 'Hope to see you around.' They never want to see me again. When we break it off, I am pretty sure they are stabbing an effigy of me. I am not sure. I have to ask the women what they do. I am sure they never want to see me again. I know that, because they like I have heard them cursing me before. I find it all very uncomfortable. That is why I look at the breakup like a segue. 'We are done, but now coming into your life is my good friend who has also been single for a very long time, because he cannot be straight forward and express his true feelings. Maybe he will be attracted to you. Who knows?'
 It is sad- the best I can hope for is a clean breakup. I know it is not going to work out. Some guys work on pick up lines- i'm mastering break-up lines.  'You know how to get the women, I know how to lose them.'  Trust me, it is a marketable skill.  'We are not compatible you____!'  The nice guy thing doesn't work. I have decided to start going straight for the other person's issues.

To tell you about the post date party- the mojo was working. After a bad date, everything looks good. A minute after I got there, I forgot about my date. Everybody looked so beautiful, thanks to my date and my new standards, and the dark room. I ended up chilling with a divorcee with kids (the divorcee population is an untapped population of 28 year old hotties. what were their husbands thinking?).  The divorcee was hot and I know that because I had the reassurance of 5 really close and drunk friends.  But why was she partying when she has a kid? That to me shows irresponsible.
Parents are not supposed to party. They should only be out for get-togethers. Get-togethers are a responsible way for parents to see other people. Bar-mitzvahs are fine too. But a parent should never be at a party.
The divorcee gave me a number which doesn't work. That was the only responsible thing she did. I wasn't even going to ask her out. I was going to set her up with my friend. So she was wrong. Ha Ha. 
Even so, we had a good tom flirting, if you know what I mean. Maybe you don't know what I mean. I'll tell you. We were talking that romantic stuff like, 'Whose the daddy?! Whose the daddy?!' 
I am now talking with this 40 year old I'll be going out with on Wednesday.  She has a great voice, teaches Torah and is real sweet. That is what the matchmaker/shadchan told me. She didn't want to say that she is not attractive. I am back on the shidduch dates. Legit. With a matchmaker. Which is fine. I am sure that the matchmaker lady who set us up has different taste in looks than me.
I have another blind-date tomorrow night too, and I am looking forward to it. The matchmaker said that she wasn't her type.
Later Achi

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Meeting Neighbors on the Internet (Letter #2)

Shalom Josh,


The girl from the party, I have not asked her out yet. I am still taking it slow.  

So this Israeli girl, Haley, apparently doesn't like me. I followed up after she broke up with me. I figured it couldn't hurt. Truth is, it can.

I am going out on a another blind-date. This is interesting:
I spoke with a woman I met on the internet. That basically means: I am desperate and looking for any way to meet girls, I am even willing to call a correspondence by internet 'meeting.'  This is sad, but I am proud of the fact that I am willing to employ all the tactics out there to meet chicks (it just sounds more exciting- 'chicks'). The word 'chicks' might be considered offensive to some, but it does allow for exciting conversations with the dudes.
The other day I ran into a girl I knew from somewhere. That is also how I introduced myself to her, as I saw her leaving the building. I did not say exactly where, as 'I know you from somewhere- oh- yahoopersonals' can set off a relationship in the wrong direction. I saw her throwing out the trash. Internet dating sights are not a healthy form of reference for where you recognize your neighbors. I do not want to be a red dot on a map. At this point, that is my only real goal. There are other aspects of living that are important, like getting married. I am fine losing any job. Everything I do with my life, now that I am old and single, is with the one goal of not being on Family Watchdog.
She was uncomfortable. I am her neighbor and as such, we are not allowed to interact. My neighbors won't say hello to me unless I am parked in their spot. At least through the internet, I can get to know my neighbors a bit more intimately, while i am shaving, at 2am, in my boxers. 
What are you supposed to do when neighbors mess up your internet parties? I do not want to be reported. 

So I started talking with the woman, my neighbor. I say woman because she's 40 years old. Once you are old enough to have had a whole family of girls, I call you a woman. A woman or a chick, depending on who I am talking to. 
40 is old, I don't care what you say. My mom wasn't in her 40's when she had me. The whole thought makes me sick. I am going out with girls older than my mom was...disgusting. Makes me want to puke. We shall change the topic. My mom was a kid once. All of these thoughts can ruin a good day. I am the age she once was, and that makes me uncomfortable. I hope you are not uncomfortable right now too.
I started typing (generation-X language for hitting on her) to the 40 year old. That is her name in the friendship circles- Forty. Some would say that it is awkward to be talking to my neighbor on a dating site, whose door I can knock on. However, now I know who I am talking to on yahoopersonals. It makes it more of an intimate internet experience.
I have found that now that I have no age requirements, a whole population of women has just entered into 'datable status.' I work it based on family members. I have a nieces and my mom. I can date within that range. I am now dating girls older than my niece- she is 14. And then there is my mom, who is over 60. I can now date 40 year olds, divorcees, grandmas- everybody is now a possible date. As long as I do not get a red dot, I am good. 
I am telling you, my life has changed. We started talking and the 40 year old said she was too old for me. She used the words, 'You are too young.' Probably the most offensive thing anybody has ever said to me. 
She has standards- her loss. Fact is that if she saw my body, she would have thought I was 55- but she'll never know. And for a 55 year old, I am damn good looking. Her loss. That is why I usually tell people I am 55. 
I saw that Superbowl halftime show with the Red Hot Chilli Peppers guy, who still performs with his shirt off. I do not look bad for 55. I think it is a better idea than telling people I am 36.


I didn't go out with her, as I apparently scared her when I invited her down the stairs for dinner, on yahoopersonals. She set me up with her friend. Her friend was not scared yet, and she does not care about her friend's safety. I said OK, because she looked hot on the internet. Hot means, she has a beautiful soul, to me. I feel it is important to translate 'hot.' 'Hot' is something different to everybody. And to me, 'hot' means she has a 'hot soul.' 
Point is that my internet neighbor is really hot and she must have hot friends. She said her friend was younger than 40. It turns out that her friend was 39. I am 36, so it is easier to handle 39. Being in the same decade makes it easier to relate. 
Same decade is also an easier bet that nobody will get tagged with a red dot. That makes this whole date a much safer bet. Josh, I really hope my neighbor doesn't report me the next time I throw out the trash.


Later Achi

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Forward Breakup (Letter #1)

Shalom Dave,

I don't know why this girl I broke up with last week, couldn't just reject me. All I needed her to say was 'No David.'
So, this Haley lady couldn't just say, 'We are not compatible.' She couldn't just say, 'David, I do not like you. You disgust me.' She felt the need to spell out for me why I am not good enough for her- why I suck, why David can't get a date. I want to take a moment to thank Haley for helping me understand my aspirations for a future on welfare, in Israel. She did not have to point out that I was balding. I think that was quite obvious. 
She had to list all of the reasons why I was not good enough for her. She is there insisting, 'It's the differences.' I know we are different. I am new to Israel and she has a family and friends and a life here. I sat there and listened to her whole side and I'm saying, 'I'll get more Israeli friends. We are not right for each other. You are Israeli and hot and very mean to people, and we are going to make this work.' I thought this was going to be the perfect relationship. We even talked in Hebrew. I remember, the first time I asked her out, she said, 'Lo/לא.' 
She then says, 'No, its not that, its you.' If we would have just started there, I would have still felt like I had a soul. I would rather have broken-up on the phone. A lot of people take phone breakups bad. But Dave, sometimes a phone breakup is better after one shidduch date. 
We did not have to meet up for dinner to have her tell me how much I suck. To pay for her pasta while hearing why I am not worth it. And then to see her bag up my pasta I couldn't eat, because my stomach was turning, as I was shocked. I don't know how she figured all of that out about me. I do hope she feels better about herself.
That was my breakup, Dave. A breakup after a shidduch, which is a blind-date with somebody who my dentist thought was a good idea, because client confidentiality does not come into play when setting up people who are not bringing children to the Jewish people. 

I did not let the breakup get me down.
After being reprimanded for being myself, I was walking home and ran into a party. A Jewish Halloween party may not make much sense, but there are no Jewish holidays on Halloween and drinking alone in your Cinderella costume at 12am, isn't as fun. 
There was one girl there, if I may say, 'woman.' Now, when a new girl moves into my area that is not hideous, she has a 2 month period in which she dates every guy. This girl was gorgeous, so she has a 2 year period in which she goes simultaneously steady with every guy. All the other guys at the party were dogging over her. She was talking to a friend of mine, who happened to be from Tel Aviv (a city 45 minutes from Jerusalem and the financial and plastic surgery center of Israel- the kind of city where you can hit on a grandma and not even know it). So, I started shmoozing her up (Jewish slang for being smooth) and it turns out I know her brother. Now Dave, when you know somebody else in the family, that means that you are already connected and it will make marriage easier; one less family member you have to introduce yourself to. Just another reason why she would want me. Tel Aviv has nothing to do with the story. It is the fact that I talked to a girl, my man.

It turns out, I have met her before. It turns out that I was attracted to her. It turns out I have been thinking about her for years. It turns out that I was not into women in college. It turns out that I am a putz.
She was one of the girls that has passed through my life that I was always dreaming about running into again. I never thought working Social Work would help me get the ladies unless I was lesbian. If there is one thing we have learned, it is the non-importance of client confidentiality. Anywho, she was so into the fact I knew her brother that she wouldn't leave my side. It may be wrong, but I know the password and I am using it. She mentioned something about a weird guy who wouldn't leave her alone. He might have been the guy standing right next to her the whole time she was talking to me. The point is she was talking to me for a reason. Each girl has a code and I know hers. For some girls the password is 'hello,' for other the password is 'shalom,' for others it is 'I cook,' for others it is 'get out of here you scary...' 
You need the password to get in and I was in. Finally, after 10 years, I was in.

My whole, be a nice guy or looser without women because some day it might work itself back into your life, is working baby. The only problem is that it seems I've got to play it slow. That is the feedback I got from her 18 x's that were at the party. I can't be one of the neighborhood desperate lonely dogs. I've got to be lonely and desperate, but do not ask her out. I've got to play it slow. At 10 years, I am doing pretty good. I think I have a step up on some of the guys. How much longer should I wait?
I did mess up with the walk-home. There is a time at every party when the hot girl decides to leave. That is when all the guy dogs leave too. We stand there and make it look like we don't notice her. This way, she will think we don't find her attractive, and then she will be into us. It works all the time. I don't know how the rest of the party takes it when all the guys leave with the hot girl. I have never been there to see that.
The question for me is who will walk her home- for this, proximity is key & I was never good at musical chairs. I was good at football though. So the next time I will just knock over the other guys.
I was so excited that night that i kept on bringing up the new girl to my friend who broke up with her- not caring about the fact he was heart broken with it. I was jumping on him, doing the fist tap, repeatedly, because he was down and I was on a hi. His loss is my gain- that is why he's a good friend. 
Neither of us walked her home. But that is because I am taking it slow. It was amazing how quickly that party ended. 
But that girl who told me off earlier that night for not being good enough, that wasn't cool. Haley was soo wrong and shallow. Maybe she was thrown off by my Cinderalla costume.

Later Achi