Meeting Neighbors on the Internet (Letter #2)

Shalom Josh,

The girl from the party, I have not asked her out yet. I am still taking it slow.  

So this Israeli girl, Haley, apparently doesn't like me. I followed up after she broke up with me. I figured it couldn't hurt. Truth is, it can.

I am going out on a another blind-date. This is interesting:

I spoke with a woman I met on the internet. That basically means: I am desperate and looking for any way to meet girls, I am even willing to call a correspondence by internet 'meeting.'  This is sad, but I am proud of the fact that I am willing to employ all the tactics out there to meet chicks (it just sounds more exciting- 'chicks'). The word 'chicks' might be considered offensive to some, but it does allow for exciting conversations with the dudes.

The other day I ran into a girl I knew from somewhere. That is also how I introduced myself to her, as I saw her leaving the building. I did not say exactly where, as 'I know you from somewhere- oh- yahoopersonals' can set off a relationship in the wrong direction. I saw her throwing out the trash. Internet dating sights are not a healthy form of reference for where you recognize your neighbors. I do not want to be a red dot on a map. At this point, that is my only real goal. There are other aspects of living that are important, like getting married. I am fine losing any job. Everything I do with my life, now that I am old and single, is with the one goal of not being on Family Watchdog.

She was uncomfortable. I am her neighbor and as such, we are not allowed to interact. My neighbors won't say hello to me unless I am parked in their spot. At least through the internet, I can get to know my neighbors a bit more intimately, while i am shaving, at 2am, in my boxers. 

What are you supposed to do when neighbors mess up your internet parties? I do not want to be reported. 

So I started talking with the woman, my neighbor. I say woman because she's 40 years old. Once you are old enough to have had a whole family of girls, I call you a woman. A woman or a chick, depending on who I am talking to. 

40 is old, I don't care what you say. My mom wasn't in her 40's when she had me. The whole thought makes me sick. I am going out with girls older than my mom was...disgusting. Makes me want to puke. We shall change the topic. My mom was a kid once. All of these thoughts can ruin a good day. I am the age she once was, and that makes me uncomfortable. I hope you are not uncomfortable right now too.

I started typing (generation-X language for hitting on her) to the 40 year old. That is her name in the friendship circles- Forty. Some would say that it is awkward to be talking to my neighbor on a dating site, whose door I can knock on. However, now I know who I am talking to on yahoopersonals. It makes it more of an intimate internet experience.

I have found that now that I have no age requirements, a whole population of women has just entered into 'datable status.' I work it based on family members. I have a nieces and my mom. I can date within that range. I am now dating girls older than my niece- she is 14. And then there is my mom, who is over 60. I can now date 40 year olds, divorcees, grandmas- everybody is now a possible date. As long as I do not get a red dot, I am good. 

I am telling you, my life has changed. We started talking and the 40 year old said she was too old for me. She used the words, 'You are too young.' Probably the most offensive thing anybody has ever said to me. 
She has standards- her loss. Fact is that if she saw my body, she would have thought I was 55- but she'll never know. And for a 55 year old, I am damn good looking. Her loss. That is why I usually tell people I am 55. 
I saw that Superbowl halftime show with the Red Hot Chilli Peppers guy, who still performs with his shirt off. I do not look bad for 55. I think it is a better idea than telling people I am 36.

I didn't go out with her, as I apparently scared her when I invited her down the stairs for dinner, on yahoopersonals. She set me up with her friend. Her friend was not scared yet, and she does not care about her friend's safety. I said OK, because she looked hot on the internet. Hot means, she has a beautiful soul, to me. I feel it is important to translate 'hot.' 'Hot' is something different to everybody. And to me, 'hot' means she has a 'hot soul.' 

Point is that my internet neighbor is really hot and she must have hot friends. She said her friend was younger than 40. It turns out that her friend was 39. I am 36, so it is easier to handle 39. Being in the same decade makes it easier to relate. 

Same decade is also an easier bet that nobody will get tagged with a red dot. That makes this whole date a much safer bet. Josh, I really hope my neighbor doesn't report me the next time I throw out the trash.

Later Achi

Forward Breakup (Letter #1)

Shalom Dave,

I don't know why this girl I broke up with last week, couldn't just reject me. All I needed her to say was 'No David.'
So, this Haley lady couldn't just say, 'We are not compatible.' She couldn't just say, 'David, I do not like you. You disgust me.' She felt the need to spell out for me why I am not good enough for her- why I suck, why David can't get a date. I want to take a moment to thank Haley for helping me understand my aspirations for a future on welfare, in Israel. She did not have to point out that I was balding. I think that was quite obvious. 
She had to list all of the reasons why I was not good enough for her. She is there insisting, 'It's the differences.' I know we are different. I am new to Israel and she has a family and friends and a life here. I sat there and listened to her whole side and I'm saying, 'I'll get more Israeli friends. We are not right for each other. You are Israeli and hot and very mean to people, and we are going to make this work.' I thought this was going to be the perfect relationship. We even talked in Hebrew. I remember, the first time I asked her out, she said, 'Lo/לא.' 
She then says, 'No, its not that, its you.' If we would have just started there, I would have still felt like I had a soul. I would rather have broken-up on the phone. A lot of people take phone breakups bad. But Dave, sometimes a phone breakup is better after one shidduch date. 
We did not have to meet up for dinner to have her tell me how much I suck. To pay for her pasta while hearing why I am not worth it. And then to see her bag up my pasta I couldn't eat, because my stomach was turning, as I was shocked. I don't know how she figured all of that out about me. I do hope she feels better about herself.
That was my breakup, Dave. A breakup after a shidduch, which is a blind-date with somebody who my dentist thought was a good idea, because client confidentiality does not come into play when setting up people who are not bringing children to the Jewish people. 

I did not let the breakup get me down.
After being reprimanded for being myself, I was walking home and ran into a party. A Jewish Halloween party may not make much sense, but there are no Jewish holidays on Halloween and drinking alone in your Cinderella costume at 12am, isn't as fun. 
There was one girl there, if I may say, 'woman.' Now, when a new girl moves into my area that is not hideous, she has a 2 month period in which she dates every guy. This girl was gorgeous, so she has a 2 year period in which she goes simultaneously steady with every guy. All the other guys at the party were dogging over her. She was talking to a friend of mine, who happened to be from Tel Aviv (a city 45 minutes from Jerusalem and the financial and plastic surgery center of Israel- the kind of city where you can hit on a grandma and not even know it). So, I started shmoozing her up (Jewish slang for being smooth) and it turns out I know her brother. Now Dave, when you know somebody else in the family, that means that you are already connected and it will make marriage easier; one less family member you have to introduce yourself to. Just another reason why she would want me. Tel Aviv has nothing to do with the story. It is the fact that I talked to a girl, my man.

It turns out, I have met her before. It turns out that I was attracted to her. It turns out I have been thinking about her for years. It turns out that I was not into women in college. It turns out that I am a putz.
She was one of the girls that has passed through my life that I was always dreaming about running into again. I never thought working Social Work would help me get the ladies unless I was lesbian. If there is one thing we have learned, it is the non-importance of client confidentiality. Anywho, she was so into the fact I knew her brother that she wouldn't leave my side. It may be wrong, but I know the password and I am using it. She mentioned something about a weird guy who wouldn't leave her alone. He might have been the guy standing right next to her the whole time she was talking to me. The point is she was talking to me for a reason. Each girl has a code and I know hers. For some girls the password is 'hello,' for other the password is 'shalom,' for others it is 'I cook,' for others it is 'get out of here you scary...' 
You need the password to get in and I was in. Finally, after 10 years, I was in.

My whole, be a nice guy or looser without women because some day it might work itself back into your life, is working baby. The only problem is that it seems I've got to play it slow. That is the feedback I got from her 18 x's that were at the party. I can't be one of the neighborhood desperate lonely dogs. I've got to be lonely and desperate, but do not ask her out. I've got to play it slow. At 10 years, I am doing pretty good. I think I have a step up on some of the guys. How much longer should I wait?
I did mess up with the walk-home. There is a time at every party when the hot girl decides to leave. That is when all the guy dogs leave too. We stand there and make it look like we don't notice her. This way, she will think we don't find her attractive, and then she will be into us. It works all the time. I don't know how the rest of the party takes it when all the guys leave with the hot girl. I have never been there to see that.
The question for me is who will walk her home- for this, proximity is key & I was never good at musical chairs. I was good at football though. So the next time I will just knock over the other guys.
I was so excited that night that i kept on bringing up the new girl to my friend who broke up with her- not caring about the fact he was heart broken with it. I was jumping on him, doing the fist tap, repeatedly, because he was down and I was on a hi. His loss is my gain- that is why he's a good friend. 
Neither of us walked her home. But that is because I am taking it slow. It was amazing how quickly that party ended. 
But that girl who told me off earlier that night for not being good enough, that wasn't cool. Haley was soo wrong and shallow. Maybe she was thrown off by my Cinderalla costume.

Later Achi