Meeting Neighbors on the Internet (Letter #2)

Shalom Josh,

The girl from the party, I have not asked her out yet. I am still taking it slow.  

So this Israeli girl, Haley, apparently doesn't like me. I followed up after she broke up with me. I figured it couldn't hurt. Truth is, it can.

I am going out on a another blind-date. This is interesting:

I spoke with a woman I met on the internet. That basically means: I am desperate and looking for any way to meet girls, I am even willing to call a correspondence by internet 'meeting.'  This is sad, but I am proud of the fact that I am willing to employ all the tactics out there to meet chicks (it just sounds more exciting- 'chicks'). The word 'chicks' might be considered offensive to some, but it does allow for exciting conversations with the dudes.

The other day I ran into a girl I knew from somewhere. That is also how I introduced myself to her, as I saw her leaving the building. I did not say exactly where, as 'I know you from somewhere- oh- yahoopersonals' can set off a relationship in the wrong direction. I saw her throwing out the trash. Internet dating sights are not a healthy form of reference for where you recognize your neighbors. I do not want to be a red dot on a map. At this point, that is my only real goal. There are other aspects of living that are important, like getting married. I am fine losing any job. Everything I do with my life, now that I am old and single, is with the one goal of not being on Family Watchdog.

She was uncomfortable. I am her neighbor and as such, we are not allowed to interact. My neighbors won't say hello to me unless I am parked in their spot. At least through the internet, I can get to know my neighbors a bit more intimately, while i am shaving, at 2am, in my boxers. 

What are you supposed to do when neighbors mess up your internet parties? I do not want to be reported. 

So I started talking with the woman, my neighbor. I say woman because she's 40 years old. Once you are old enough to have had a whole family of girls, I call you a woman. A woman or a chick, depending on who I am talking to. 

40 is old, I don't care what you say. My mom wasn't in her 40's when she had me. The whole thought makes me sick. I am going out with girls older than my mom was...disgusting. Makes me want to puke. We shall change the topic. My mom was a kid once. All of these thoughts can ruin a good day. I am the age she once was, and that makes me uncomfortable. I hope you are not uncomfortable right now too.

I started typing (generation-X language for hitting on her) to the 40 year old. That is her name in the friendship circles- Forty. Some would say that it is awkward to be talking to my neighbor on a dating site, whose door I can knock on. However, now I know who I am talking to on yahoopersonals. It makes it more of an intimate internet experience.

I have found that now that I have no age requirements, a whole population of women has just entered into 'datable status.' I work it based on family members. I have a nieces and my mom. I can date within that range. I am now dating girls older than my niece- she is 14. And then there is my mom, who is over 60. I can now date 40 year olds, divorcees, grandmas- everybody is now a possible date. As long as I do not get a red dot, I am good. 

I am telling you, my life has changed. We started talking and the 40 year old said she was too old for me. She used the words, 'You are too young.' Probably the most offensive thing anybody has ever said to me. 
She has standards- her loss. Fact is that if she saw my body, she would have thought I was 55- but she'll never know. And for a 55 year old, I am damn good looking. Her loss. That is why I usually tell people I am 55. 
I saw that Superbowl halftime show with the Red Hot Chilli Peppers guy, who still performs with his shirt off. I do not look bad for 55. I think it is a better idea than telling people I am 36.

I didn't go out with her, as I apparently scared her when I invited her down the stairs for dinner, on yahoopersonals. She set me up with her friend. Her friend was not scared yet, and she does not care about her friend's safety. I said OK, because she looked hot on the internet. Hot means, she has a beautiful soul, to me. I feel it is important to translate 'hot.' 'Hot' is something different to everybody. And to me, 'hot' means she has a 'hot soul.' 

Point is that my internet neighbor is really hot and she must have hot friends. She said her friend was younger than 40. It turns out that her friend was 39. I am 36, so it is easier to handle 39. Being in the same decade makes it easier to relate. 

Same decade is also an easier bet that nobody will get tagged with a red dot. That makes this whole date a much safer bet. Josh, I really hope my neighbor doesn't report me the next time I throw out the trash.

Later Achi